Creating Myself Through Recovery

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Jacy Kirby

As June hits, and the glow of the sun rings bright on my skin, I’m reminded of the dark times before I knew what recovery from my eating disorders looked like. Before there was any inkling of what the rays of recovery felt like on my face as I sit here now, bathing in summer’s serenade. 

Years ago, I only knew the crash of my eating disorder’s wake against my ears, like tumultuous tsunami. I only knew what it was to be swept under by currents of self beratement and self punishing exercise due how much I ate, or lack thereof. I struggled to find who I was- like a pile of marble yet spun and carefully crafted by artist. I knew not of the notes of self fulfillment because I often found myself in bed too full or too starved to move. 

But through this uniquely beautiful journey of recovery, I’ve slowly begun to mold the version of myself I’ve always tried to fight for. Though, making sure I give myself room and patience so that that version can shift and continue to grow overtime as I continue to grow and learn more about myself on this adventure. Recovery for me is a space where I live presently with myself and loved ones because the present is a gift time presents to you as a means to be who you are in each and every moment. Recovery is a place where I can let the marble guide me and I find myself along the way, creating and recreating myself over and over. 

Recovery for me is a Sunday afternoon spent not worrying about impending relapse or showers of self contempt because I’m busy enjoying the rays of sun and self love that shower my pores with summer’s play. It is trips down memory lane to reflect on darker times without worrying I’ll get stuck in its traffic. It is driving myself to be who I want to be, because I get to choose the answer to that question each and every day. Recovery for me is a daily, conscious decision that overtime has become more and more subconscious as I continue to create myself through my recovery. 

During National Men’s Health Month, I get the opportunity to reflect on the progress and recovery I’ve made as a male who has lived with eating disorders. The ED voice inside of me likes to pretend it is my own, and it likes to pretend it is all of who I am, but through this journey I am reminded more and more that my self- everything that makes me, me- is so much more than that voice. This month, I am reminded of the beauty in creating myself through recovery. 

Jacy, who resides in Clinton Township, Michigan, is a personal trainer and published author, To My Eating Disorder, who works to be an advocate for those struggling with eating disorders. He uses his own experiences with them to be a positive light in what can often be a darkened scape. Jacy aims to further bring awareness to eating disorders and  remind others of the power they possess within. Jacy resides in Clinton Township, Michigan.